Chapter 23: Demons and Angels Unite to Stop Titans

‘Demons and angels unite to stop titans.’ Kate had bought an Irish Times and was reading the headline article. As far as Liam was concerned, it wasn’t worth parting with money for news when he got it online and if necessary he could always read an actual physical newspaper in the library for free. For the sake of Lord Azanth, however, he and Aengus had stashed their phones in Liam’s TCD locker, to avoid the risk of them being traced. So an old-fashioned, actual newspaper, was their best way of catching up with events on the Plane of Life.

‘At a press conference yesterday at the United Nations, New York, Earl Clarence and Lady Liseth announced the formation of a raid party of a hundred adventurers to defeat Syceus, Nuska, and Chronos. Tackling each of the titans in turn, Earl Clarence was confident he would be able to rebind them, using the fusion of angelic and demonic magic that was so effective according to the legend of the angel Lupulchra and the demon Tenebror.’

‘“When it comes to titans,” said the level one hundred paladin, “we are talking of a force beyond good and evil. A force so mindlessly destructive that the entire structure of the planes could fall apart. Threatened by this force, we are obliged to form a temporary alliance with demons, as the angel Lupulchra did.”

‘He added, “It is a great honour to have been given the role of Lord Crusader of the forces of virtue. I will do my utmost to deserve it.”

‘Lady Liseth has been the leading demon on the Seventh Plane of Wickedness ever since Earl Clarence’s expulsion of Lord Azanth. The defeated demon lord is reported to be residing in Ireland in the form of a prawn cocktail crisp. Having taken his place, Lady Liseth won the backing the most senior demons of the Seventh Plane of Wickedness, to form an alliance with the denizens of the Seventh Plane of Virtue.

‘She said, “First of all, I’d like to thank my electors, the Thirteen, who have awarded me with the ancient title, Arces, and leadership of the demonic half of the raid party. Secondly, I wish to express my appreciation to Earl Clarence for taking this initiative. It cannot have been easy for a paladin to conceive of an alliance with demons, let alone carry it out. Of course, we demons have no difficulty in working with the forces of good for the sake of saving the planes with destruction.”’

‘Both raid leaders expressed their belief that the raiding party would be strong enough for a successful outcome.’

Folding the paper and slapping it down on the table in front of her, Kate sat back on her couch. They were in Dublin again, in an old protestant church that had been converted into student accommodation. While there was nothing linking Kate to Lord Azanth, Liam felt a little uneasy on behalf of his demon companion and would be glad to get away from Dublin and go back to adventuring on the planes. For now, though, he was glad of a bed and a pizza. It had been exhausting and confusing, escaping from Chronos. Ever since, Liam had felt that time was an illusion, that if he could stand outside of it, he would see all the moments of his life held in suspension, having no sense or pattern.

‘I don’t understand,’ said Aengus, ‘I thought it was them who released Chronos.’

‘Of course it was, you dope,’ said Liam angrily, causing Kate to look up at him with surprise. Liam checked himself. It wasn’t Aengus’s fault that the world was all phoney and back-to-front, that the hero on his favourite card from his sticker collection was the worst of the hypocrites. ‘They have created the crisis so they can take charge.’

Do not neglect the importance of vanity. Of all the failings of mortals, it is vanity that most often brings about their ruin. Greed; lust; anger; envy; and laziness; these are simple failings, which the human can recognise in themselves even while indulging them. Only vanity has the quality of distorting self-awareness so that its possessor does not see vanity in their own behaviour.

Like the sleepwalking person who believes they are awake, those who have succumbed to vanity are easily led astray. Earl Clarence is so in thrall to the story of his own heroism that he treats the titans as mere chess pieces in a game that will ensure his everlasting fame. In doing so his vanity risks catastrophe for us all.

‘Lord Azanth adds that it is also to do with vanity,’ said Liam.

‘I hate them,’ Kate blinked and Liam saw with sudden sympathy that she was upset and trying to keep back tears. ‘DuFrey. Earl Clarence. The world should know what they are really like.’

‘I agree,’ said Aengus. ‘Let’s write a letter to the Irish Times saying that we saw Earl Clarence and Lady Liseth in the tunnels where Chronos was contained shortly before his escape.’

‘Well… we could. Even if it’s published though, Earl Clarence could just say they were there to investigate. Or come up with another excuse. Or even just say we are lying, no one is going to be able to get to the Hostelry of Eternal Darkness and Light to find out the truth while Chronos is loose.’

There is but one path to vengeance. We must level up.

‘Lord Azanth says we have to level up; it’s the only way,’ said Liam.

‘I know, he said it to me too.’ As agreed among them all, Aengus had exchanged most of their collection of soul stones to obtain a star but Liam wondered if it would have been better to have given them to Lord Azanth, because with enough skill increases in Telepathy the demon lord could address groups of people and not just individuals.

‘Obviously, I want to level up,’ the flush on Kate’s round cheeks had diminished and her voice was cold. ‘but Lord Azanth doesn’t understand our world. We can expose these frauds via Aengus’s podcast. Or social media.’

‘No offense to Aengus, but his podcast only has like, fifteen followers, and two of them are mum and dad.’

‘What if Lord Azanth made a TikTok channel though?’ Aengus was so excited by his thought he jumped up out of his chair and waved his hands as he spoke. ‘If it was full of good content about quests and treasures it would get millions of followers. Imagine: Secrets of the Planes by Lord Azanth, it would be massive.’

‘How though? He’s a crisp. He can’t speak.’

‘Through you, obviously.’

‘Absolutely not. I’m not making TikToks of myself speaking for a demon.’

‘I’ll do it.’ There was a defiant tilt to Kate’s head and Liam could not hold the intensity of her blue eyes for long.

‘I’m not against the idea but let’s think this through,’ Liam gestured to the flat. ‘Once the world can see you are in the company of Lord Azanth, this accommodation won’t be safe, so we’ll be homeless again. Also, if our demon friend is scheming to rule the world, you’ll get the blame.’

‘Even if he is, at least he’s not pretending to be saving the world,’ muttered Kate.

That my north, south, east, and west lead towards revenge, not rule over the mortal realm, is stated on my character sheet for all to see. Doubt me not.

‘Come on,’ said Aengus, looking at Kate. ‘We can use your phone. Stand over by that window. Let’s record a dozen shorts now. I’ll schedule them to be published at the rate of one a day.’

His younger brother was always too hasty and Liam had to clench his teeth to hold back from shouting at him to wait. ‘We can try to make a popular TikTok channel. I’m not against that. First though, let’s agree a place to level up next. Somewhere we can keep Lord Azanth safe and where we have a roof over our heads.’

On the Fourth Plane of Wickedness a demon rules a pirate fleet; you can avail of cabins in the ship …. There may we fight island monsters and undersea kingdoms, too far from my enemies for them to find me.

‘Lord Azanth has a suggestion,’ said Liam.

Aengus just grinned. ‘Yo, ho, ho and a bottle of rum.’

A moment later Kate grinned too. ‘Did I ever tell you I swam for Munster?’

‘All right, go ahead and make the shorts, but make sure nothing goes live until we are through the portal.’

While Aengus set up Kate’s camera on an improvised stand and adjusted the lighting, Liam picked up the newspaper. Wasn’t it strange how even when the planes were falling apart under the blows of unleashed titans, everyday life continued: sports teams strove to win their competitions; bands released new music; the cinemas continued to show films. It was natural enough, Liam supposed, but he wouldn’t be able to sit down and enjoy a film or a football match on television. The sense that he should be out in the planes gaining levels and ranks wouldn’t let him sit still that long.

‘Hi!’ Kate said cheerfully to the camera. She was wearing her mage robes and had the Tupperware box hanging around her neck. ‘I’m Kate and this­–’ she tapped the box ‘­–is Lord Azanth. I’m sure you’ve heard that he’s now a prawn cocktail flavour crisp. He’s going to give you hundreds of fabulous tips for adventuring on the planes, so follow and share.

‘Feel free to ask him questions in the comments.

‘First up he says there’s an easy plus-one intelligence ring quest in the Dark Elf city of Quoli on the First Plane of Wickedness. Find the tavern, Red Teeth and Claws. Talk to the owner, Coletia Something, he doesn’t quite remember, but she’s usually in the corner of the main lounge, dressed in a white blouse and black leathers. She’ll tell you she’s under suspicion of murdering a customer and if she could clear her name, she’d give you the magic ring.

‘The customer went down into the city underground via the cellars of the tavern and never came back. You go down and although the layout is a bit complicated, if you keep clearing the level three giant rats you come across, eventually the boss rat spawns and you chase him to his lair, where the remains of the customer show he was clearly a victim of the rats. Bring back his torn and bitten shirt and you get the reward.’

‘And cut,’ said Aengus, clearly relishing the role of director.

‘Why don’t we do that quest?’ asked Liam. Even though it was only a small increase, plus one intelligence was a boost to mana and therefore to how often they could use a skill.

To travel to that city and find the tavern takes time that would be better spent gaining another level or two. Furthermore, you are not some student or part-time adventurer for whom such a ring would be a proud possession. You have your eyes on the higher levels and in our journey will come across far more useful rings without having to depart from our road. A ring on the hand might be worth two marked on the treasure map; but if that ring is but plus one and those on the map at least plus four, then wise is the person who the map would prefer.