Chapter 5: Meet My New Friend, the Crisp
‘I think this path next,’ said Rob, pointing with a stick at the diagram he had made by drawing deep lines in the clay beneath the gravel of the path.
Having failed to reach the portal and escape back to the Plane of Life, Liam and his whole class were gathered at the stone fountain, exploring along a few of the paths to see if they could find a way out of the maze, or the route to its centre. Because his classmates were crowding round the tutor, blocking his view of the map, Liam took the opportunity to take a deep drink of the cold water of the fountain and to refill his bottle.
He glanced at his bag and felt a twinge from his stomach. Time for the crisps.
Packets of crisps were always disappointing because the manufacturers had long ago worked out how to fill them with air. Each looked exciting and rewarding, with swelled out curves. Once opened, however, and it became evident the packet was only half full. This one was no different, although when he tore the packet open it did release a delicious scent, Liam would concede that much. He put his nose to the opening. Prawn cocktail had to be a marketing idea. No combination of flavourings in a factory was ever going to deliver a taste that was actually that of prawns in spiced mayonnaise.
There was one particularly large, thick crisp whose well-fried surface was covered with a sprinkling of salt granules and pale red powder. Holding the giant crisp up, Liam felt his mouth fill with saliva. The crisp was too big to swallow whole. If he bit into it, though, he’d have to be careful or it might crack into fragments that fell to the floor. Spare hand underneath the crisp he leaned forward, already enjoying the aroma, and then he took…
Stop!
A powerful, male voice spoke in Liam’s mind, like he was hearing it through headphones.
'Who said that?’ Liam asked, looking all around. Strangely, there was no one nearby. His classmates were over at the map that Rob had drawn, discussing the risks and rewards of exploring the maze. They were so bitterly divided and loud that no one seemed to have heard Liam’s question.
The crisp was still in his hand and again he went to bite into it.
No!
Crisp!
This was frustrating. Moving the crisp towards his lips and then away, Liam found he could generate a stream of anxious bellows.
Stop! No! Help! Not! Alive! Stop!
The voice was that of a mature man, say in his forties? His pronunciation of the single words was exact, like that of an actor trained for theatre. And it had a hint of an accent, definitely not Irish. Something central European, like that of Liam's parents but much less pronounced. German maybe?
Are you the crisp? Liam composed his thoughts and tried sending a message by silently ‘speaking’ the question.
Yes!
I can’t eat you?
No!
With a sigh, Liam put the large crisp back in the packet.
Can I eat the other ones?
… yes.
Oh good. Carefully, Liam drew crisp after crisp out of the packet until only the large one remained. As always with a packet of crisps, he still felt hungry after finishing it and he eyed up the particularly delicious one that remained.
No!
Can you read my thoughts? Liam asked it.
Close.
Not.
Far.
You’re not very articulate, are you? But then again, I’ve no notion of how articulate a crisp should be.
Telepathy.
Level.
One.
Oh, I see. I’m a mage. I could have taken Telepathy as a starting skill. It’s not much use if you want to help a group level up. And I did notice communication was very limited at first level. You could have a sophisticated intellect of great erudition and you’d still sound like a child, right?
Right!
Right!
Right!
Liam chuckled at how earnest the crisp’s voice was. This was interesting and he wanted to share the news with his fellow students but they were still busy arguing about what to do. Presumably the talking crisp was a side effect of whatever magic had transformed the rose garden. Perhaps other lunchboxes contained food that had come alive and was ready to chat to their owners?
No.
Hey! Stay out of my thoughts, that felt intrusive. Liam suddenly resented the crisp and seriously considered eating it.
No!
Alive!
Murder!
Well, legally, eating a crisp from a packet I bought in a vending machine isn’t going to be considered murder by any court in my world or in any of the planes. Morally, though, you have a point.
‘Liam!’ Rob called over and all the other students were also looking at him. Taking care to put the nearly empty crisp packet safely at the top of his bag, Liam went to join his classmates.
‘We are holding a vote. Do we wait here until a rescue party comes from TCD or do we explore the maze? We are divided eight and eight. It’s up to you.’
All eyes were on him and Liam did not feel comfortable. Nor did he have a ready answer. The sudden appearance of a huge maze had transformed the queen’s rose garden. It no longer felt like a safe place for low level adventurers. The sensible decision would be to wait for a rescue party. On the other hand, new and unexplored dungeons were of huge scholarly interest and typically gave unique rewards to the first adventurers to complete them.
Back at their tiny flat, Liam shared a bedroom with his younger brother, Aengus. Their fridge was almost empty (a little milk and half a block of cheese); they never switched on the heater as they could barely afford even the summer electricity bill; instead of a table, Liam did his college work leaning over a rectangle of wood he had retrieved from a skip, which he rested on the arms of his chair; his runners had a hole and leaked in wet weather. Even a few hundred Euro from loot or treasure found here would make a big difference to the quality of his life.
‘I vote to explore.’
‘Liam wants to go for it!’ exclaimed Tom, holding a clenched fist into the air. ‘If Liam’s willing, then no one else has an excuse.’
Such a patronising statement from the rich kid nearly made Liam change his vote.
‘That’s nine to eight for exploring,’ announced Rob loudly as several voices started up. ‘Disband your groups and accept my invite.’
A few moments later Liam was in one huge group of all sixteen students, with Rob as the group leader.
‘Follow me,’ their mentor said, ‘And bring your bags in case we don’t want to come back this way.’
Hurrying back to where Kate was pulling her bag onto her shoulders, Liam asked, ‘Do you have a proper lunch box Kate? It’s just that I’ve a sentient crisp in my backpack and I think it should be kept somewhere safe.’
Her expression, which had been stern, softened. ‘That’s not at all what I expected you to say.’ Kate took her own backpack off and rummaged out a transparent plastic container, currently filled with a sandwich. ‘Will this do? It’s airtight. Does your sentient crisp need to breathe?’
‘You can ask it yourself.’ Liam took out the crisp packet and offered the opening towards Kate.
‘My he’s a big one. Do I pick him up?’
‘Sure, or lean in close.’
Thick fingers rustled in the flimsy packet, producing the large crisp and bringing it near to her mouth. ‘Tempting.’
‘I know, right?’
‘Woa. I was kidding.’ A glance at Liam from her pale blue eyes. ‘It’s amazing how annoyed you can sound when using telepathy… I see. Airtight is good.’
After removing the sandwich, Kate placed the crisp inside the hard plastic and clipped the container tightly closed, before passing it over to Liam. ‘I’m still cross with you Liam and if I die here, I’m going to blame you. If I don’t die, I want that back when you are done with it.’ Sandwich in hand, Kate waved toward the hedges, which bristled with vicious thorns. ‘This is no longer a newbie zone.’
‘Kate, Liam, this way please.’
Oops. They were the last. Once the two of them had caught up with the group Rob set off, marking the junctions by getting Tom and Winifred to scar the ground with Magic Missile spells. As they walked, Kate wanted to know where Liam had found the crisp and, like him, she wondered if the transformation of the rose garden was linked to the appearance of sentience in a crisp.
‘The crisp says, “no”.’
‘You’re lucky,’ said Kate.
‘I suppose so. Although I’m hungry. I wish it was an ordinary crisp and then I could eat it.’
‘Did you ever have a crisp butty?’ Kate looked down at her partially eaten sandwich. There was a line of yellow cheese in between the white bread.
‘I love a crisp butty,’ Liam replied. ‘Surely Ireland’s biggest contribution to world cuisine.’
‘That or the breakfast roll.’
‘Now you’re talking.’ The thought of a crusty roll filled with bacon, black pudding, fried egg, hash brown, and tomato ketchup made Liam close his eyes and swallow heavily. It had been a long time since he’d allowed himself the indulgence of buying a breakfast roll on the way to college. He was about to say so when cries up ahead caused everyone to hurry forward.
A small clearing with a stone bench had enough room for all the students to spread out around the edge, well away from a body that was lying on the ground in a pool of blood.
‘It’s the gardener,’ Rob was grim. ‘He must have been around level fifty. Whatever killed him represents a grave danger to us all.’
The poor man. Liam wanted so much to focus on the tragedy of the gardener’s death, yet a small part of his mind had the unworthy thought that he now wouldn’t get the credit for being part of a group that successfully gathered twenty sweet pinks.
From between his shoulder blades, Liam felt a momentary chuckle, as though the crisp were mocking him.